Today I went to work, worked, and left, but upon leaving I noticed that I am really bad at leaving work in a polite?? Way??? And it isn't that I want to be impolite or cold, I have just had a lifelong predicament which I could only really imagine is that my voice sounds much louder to me than it really is, and I feel physically incapable of speaking much louder..?

My entire life, my voice has been very quiet. My mom would tell me, that when I was a baby, I was very peaceful because even my crying was apparently very quiet! In school, I was always the "pleasure to have in class, but very shy." Kids would always act surprised if I ever spoke, gawking because they'd never heard me speak (??? as if they'd given me a reason to speak to them?) It was apparent that my quietness was strange to others, but what reason did I even have to speak? And, I'd realized that often, when I did speak, people either wouldn't listen, would respond in a patronizing way, or wouldn't hear me, leading us to get caught in the dreaded chain of "could you repeat that?" and me trying my best to speak up without feeling like I was yelling at them, which to me, feels rude, even if it might be what others want from me.

Over the years it has been hard to socialize with others, not only because of my quiet voice, but because I just don't know what to talk about. I try to talk about the weather to fill the silence when I am walking outside with others. Maybe ask what they're doing over the weekend. But after that I kind of don't know what else I'm supposed to say. I feel uncomfortable, especially thinking they might also be uncomfortable in the same silence, but maybe they prefer the silence over me speaking, who knows?! Of course, it really isn't such a big deal in the long run, but sometimes I wish I knew how to talk about more things, and bond more with the people around me.

Anyways, before I get too off-track. When I said I noticed I might be impolite leaving work, I mean it just feels abrupt to me. I make sure to tell my boss I'm leaving, but I see no point in saying it to my other co-workers. Partly because they are usually busy, but also because I doubt they'd even be able to hear me.

I am not good at speaking clearly. Almost every time I speak to ANYBODY I am misunderstood. I sometimes can't remember the words for things which doesn't help!!! So most the time I ask a question or tell somebody something they answer to something else I already knew. They will give an obvious answer to a question I didn't have and then I just feel silly!! And not the fun silly! The bad silly! So I usually just give up.

Thankfully my family understands me most of the time, but this is at the cost of them not taking me seriously anyways. If I am too passionate I will be patronized, if I am too scared I'm overthinking, if I'm too sad it just doesn't matter all that much. But what can a guy do?

Creating art and the existence of online spaces has been at least somewhat of a godsend for me, as shitty as some can be (*cough* social media *cough*). I have made tons of incredible and lovely friends online, and I don't have to worry about people not hearing me, because I can just type stuff!! And creating art has always been a good way to get my emotions across that I do not know how to express with my words, or just do not have the courage to. It isn't necessarily ideal. Ideally I would have people IRL who understand me enough as well.. But I guess I will just have to work up to that.

One thing I want to do is experiment with making videos.. I am hoping to get a microphone maybe.. I feel like I need to talk more because if I talk for too long or too loud my voice will get super achy for days. I think I do not use it enough.. But I think maybe if I can make videos it can help..? Voice practice???

WELL!!! I guess this is enough about my weird speech/social issues, sorry if this is too personal or uninteresting, haha. I enjoy typing about my experiences though, I'm not sure why!!! If you read all this thank you very much!!